Families were last night ordered by Government scientists to steer clear of singing, dancing and even board games when they meet up this Christmas.

In bleak midwinter news for those who like to linger over their turkey and trimmings, Britons have also been ordered not to spend too long enjoying their festive dinner.

The one dimensional scientists stated that –

People should consider using place names to avoid contamination at the dinner table – and be on their guard when it comes to the washing up, says the scientific advisory committee Sage.

And they should consider self-isolating for two weeks both before and after the five-day ‘Christmas bubble’ break to minimise the risk of spreading the virus.

They continued their one dimensional science stating families should implement a series of rules around the home – including who does the washing up. Scientists said those meeting up would ‘let their guard down with those they are closest to’.

Hugs, kisses and handshakes are best avoided, with gestures such as ‘elbow bumps or air greetings’ used instead.

It suggested families should be told to avoid board games in which objects are shared, advising non-contact entertainment such as quizzes.

One dimensional Scientists also determined that anyone undertaking a festive singalong should reduce their volume, think about opening windows to prevent droplets from spreading and possibly even wear a face nappy.

How have we allowed this to become our reality?